Several readers have written to me concerned
about Fred the Boulder, who lives on top of the mountain behind my
house poised to fall during the next high-wind day. Fred often appears
in this column as the potential villain in my life. But, I'd like
to let my readers know that there is no cause for alarm. Boulders
fall here all the time. The last boulder fell during the Typhoon No.
7. Luckily, it fell on someone who was already dead: it fell on a
tombstone. Another time a boulder rolled down the mountain and through
someone's house. No problem. Falling boulders happen, so be calm.
It's
usually a major event, such as a typhoon or an earthquake that sets
the boulders off. So, were all waiting for the big one. The big
boulder, that is. And the biggest boulder on the island is Fred.
Slab- a friend of Fred
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I
climbed up to visit Fred today. I thought
it was time we had a shoulder to boulder talk:
Me:
Fred, you have a very nice view up here.
Fred:
(silence).
Me:
Fred, I know you've been getting a lot of
attention lately. I've noticed some people looking up, pointing
at you. Some people even use binoculars.
Fred: (silence).
Me: Well Fred, you're becoming famous.
What do you expect?
Fred: Money
and privacy.
Me: Fred, you're
a celebrity. You've lost your right to privacy.
Fred: If
you're going to exploit me in a newspaper column, you could at least
give me a cut. By the way, I don't do postcards.
Me: If I did give you a cut, what would
you do with money?
Fred: I'd
start the Fred Foundation -- a group of rock huggers. People who
love rocks and aren't afraid of us.
Me: But Fred, the reason people are afraid
of boulders is because you can be very destructive.
Fred: I'm
not such a bad boulder. Neither is that
boulder that fell during the typhoon and killed that dead guy.
It just happened. We have to live with nature too, you know. Boulders
just want to be left alone. I'm from the Granite family. We've been
around 280 million years longer than you.
Me: I know, you're an igneous, plutonic
rock. I studied you in geology class in college.
Fred:
People shouldn't cut us up into Godzilla statues.
Me: True. But the birthrate is decreasing,
so you maybe you'll be saved. There won't be so many people to buy
Godzilla statues.
Fred:
Not all the rocks here take it
so well. See that rock over there on that mountain? He's just a
slab, sitting on top of another big rock. That slab is going to
slide off that rock any day now.
Me: Why?
Fred: Suicide.
Fear of the future.
Me: Fred, do you fear the future?
Fred: Sometimes.
Me: Me too. Maybe I should be going. Do
you know what time it is?
Fred: It's
the Cenozoic Era. Quaternary Period. Halocene Epoch.
Me: Oh, that's very
late. I'll get back to you about the Fred Foundation and your salary.
One more thing. Do you think I should buy boulder insurance?
Fred: (silence).
Me: Fred?
Fred: (silence).
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